A Serious Man, Frozen River, The Thief of Bagdad, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, & My Name Is Bruce

A Serious Man is the Coen Brothers doing the story of Job, with an ending straight out of John Sayles's excellent Limbo. Michael Stuhlbarg is outstanding as the put-upon professor, husband, and father in 1960s Minnesota, whose wife wants to leave him for a neighbor, whose son is a pothead who owes the neighborhood bully $20 and has to prepare for his bar mitzvah, whose job is in jeopardy, and whose brother's neck cyst is both hilarious and disgusting. The Coen Brothers really can do no wrong when working from their own scripts, and this one is defintely going to be a much tougher road for non-Jews (or non-Biblical scholars) to follow. But for me, even without any real knowledge of the story of Job, I loved the little Jewish touches (and I am very happy I didn't have to use a record player to learn my maftir and haftorah, as I am terrible at playing records). This is also a great excuse to remind everyone of the greatest trailer ever made. Although if someone wants to challenge me and and try to convince me otherise, you can try.

Frozen River stars Melissa Leo (who's excellent in everything she's ever done, including 21 Grams, Homicide, and Treme) as a newly single mother who lives near the Canadian border and starts to smuggle immigrants over the border to raise money to save her house. It's a little depressing, but it's interesting and well-acted.

The Thief of Bagdad is a sort of amalgamation of a lot of different Arabian Nights myths, and there's some significant links to things like Aladdin, and a mess due to being filmed in both England and the US, and having six different directors. It's interesting to see not just brownface, but also actual non-white actors in an early Hollywood film. If only it was a better film.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona makes me feel like it's Woody Allen trying to do something different, but no matter how hard he tried, with this one, he just failed at making anything much different from normal. The two American girls are typical Woody Allen's impression of how people talk rather than anyone who remotely exists. But hey, it's filmed in Barcelona rather than New York and they speak Spanish a lot! Congratulations, you've found the two things different from every other Allen film. Even the much hyped "Penelope Cruz kisses Scarlett Johansson" scene couldn't move this past any of Allen's mediocre films from the past twenty or so years. Boo.

My Name Is Bruce is Bruce Campbell's self-deprecating film. It's him being a huge ass, in a sort of Three Amigos but instead of a gang of bandits, it's a tofu demon. Yes, the Guan-Di, Taoist God of War and defender of bean-curd sellers, is the big bad, disturbed by a huge Bruce Campbell fan who goes to a graveyard to make out with a goth chick. He then goes on to start killing people in the town, magically appearing just at the best time to kill people. Problems with the film include Ted Raimi being racist stereotypes (yeah, two different ones), terrible acting from everyone, unfunny humor, crappy gore effects (lots of decapitations), and a winking tone that makes itself want to think that it's a much cleverer sendup of low budget horror films than it is. Sorry, Bruce, you're much funnier doing stuff like this in your books.

Life, Foyle's War, Blind Mountain, & Woman on the Beach

Life is the follow-up to Planet Earth, although it doesn't quite have the mind-bending awesomeness that was seeing that on a huge HDTV, back when that was fancy and unexpected. Having seen many things (including politician pores and McCain old man creepiness) in HD, it's not quite the novelty. Also, Oprah is no Sigourney Weaver. In fact, before I even started to watch it, I pre-ordered the Blu-ray version with David Attenborough's narration from the BBC version. Because Sigourney Weaver isn't even Sir David. Definitely check out both of these if you ever want to show off your HD TV. Seeing all the adorable creatures trying to deal with life, like the macaques in Japan and the seals and meerkats really are impressive.

Foyle's War is apparently over, unfortunately skipping most of 1944 to the very end of the war in Europe. The last three episodes, one about Russian POWs, racism, and traitors covers some pretty awesome ideas, and it's just a shame that we never get to see Foyle getting back at the American war profiteer. Because I want more Michael Kitchen being a complete badass. He's really just an extremely enjoyable actor.

And from a couple months ago, I watched Blind Mountain, which was a depressing story of a woman who gets kidnapped by a shady dude, and sold into slavery to be a man's wife in a small town in rural China, and how that's how things go there, and the horrible degradations she has to go through to try to let her parents know about what's going on and try to get rescued. If you want a depressing movie filled with rape and beatings, go for it.

I also watched Woman on the Beach, which was a depressing story about a director with writer's block and his relationship with his assistant's girlfriend. Not a particularly good or interesting movie.

Babylon A.D., Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Eye in the Sky, Throwdown, Real Fiction, & Otto; or, Up with Dead People

Babylon A.D. is a really interesting idea, although a little Children of Men, but with Vin Diesel instead of Clive Owen. Oh, and a talented director and good script is also lacking. This does have Michelle Yeoh in it. Unfortunately that is about the only thing this has going for it.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno proves that a film marketed as a comedy can be known for two things: comedy that isn't funny at all and impressive lightsaber dildos. Sadly, other things I can remember: Katie Morgan's horrible fake tits, gay people being "funny" due to talking about sucking cock, and... um, the hockey team is named the Zombies? I've now seen Jason Mewes's dick? Ugh. Just a worthless film.

Eye in the Sky was produced by Johnny To, but it is less like his straight up action films than more about the mentorship between a sargeant and his newest student in a police surveillance unit. It's actually pretty enjoyable, even if it does have the not as good Tony Leung. It was fun to see Simon Yam be the good guy, though. Not an amazing film, but not bad.

Throwdown was actually directed by Johnny To, but it wasn't actually any good. Overacting and a nonsensical plot.

Real Fiction is Kim Ki-duk just messing with you. Shot in basically real-time (there are a few cuts that I think slightly elide time), it's about a guy who basically goes around and kills everyone who upset him. Kim really is just a jerk, and he uses the girl who follows the lead around to implicate the audience in the crimes themselves, at least, until he literally beats you over the head with a rock near the end. I'm not sure exactly what the ending scene really meant, if it was just to try to release some of the immense amounts of tension created in the film, or if it's some weird alternate version of the main character.

Ping Pong Playa seems to think it's funny to replace various cursing with the sound of a ping pong ball or a basketball. It's also a typical sports comedy with an added bit of cultural comedy. Actually, replace comedy with "comedy". It's not particularly funny. Sigh. It's really hard to trust reviews I half remember from two or three years ago. Sigh.

Otto; or, Up with Dead People allows me to say something I never thought I'd ever say: "I have now seen a zombie gay traumatically inseminating another gay zombie." If that's the sort of thing you want to say, have I got a movie for you! Bruce LaBruce made a zombie film. He's apparently a controversial gay Canadian artiste who makes films in Germany. Maybe he's found that Germany is more accepting of this? I'm not sure how anyone can really be accepting of a film that says that gays are zombies and that they are mostly interested in turning people into zombie gays. The only, and I literally mean only, thing that was remotely interesting in the film was that one character was basically a silent film star within the overall film, and so she spoke with intertitles, and when on screen with other people was in black and white with film grain. I guess if I wanted to see naked gay dudes having sex, that would have been interesting as well, but I was well on my way to falling asleep by the time the orgy started.

An American Carol, W., Swing Vote, & Bangkok Dangerous

Liveblogging An American Carol, which is just as bad as everyone out there says it is, and can't be defended no matter how hard anyone tries:
Starts with the strains of Sweet Home Alabama, clearly trying to evoke a sense of national pride by playing a song about a state that most of America doesn't really care about. And then Leslie Nielson shows up, as a granpa who apparently can't grill (is that supposed to be funny?), but not before he hits the first black person on screen in the face with a frisbee. Because that's the kind of movie this is going to be. He starts telling a story about a Scrooge who hates the 4th of July, and it starts on a hilltop in Afghanistan where Robert Davi tries to get a guy to help, but it's confusing because everyone is named Mohammed Hussein. Which is funny. And then he sends a kid to be killed, but blows up his own car. Which is funny. And then there're funny jokes about gay marriage and illegal immigration. There's a funny Goofus-Gallant Taliban recruitment video. Then it's mock Michael Moore time. Which is as tone deaf as everything else so far. It's just like, "It's been a while since we insulted gays, so here's two mannish lesbians who refuse to shave until the end of war." See, that's funny. And Michael Moore eats everything. Oh, I'm sorry, Michael Malone. And all of these lefties don't know who people like Nixon are. Funny! Porn jokes! Jokes about stupid documentaries! Jokes about Michael Malone stinking! Mocking Moveon.org! Mocking Nazi documentarian Leni Riefenstahl! I wonder if they intentionally picked Paris Hilton and Simon Rex for their previous work in porn to be announcers at this awards show? And attacking Edward R. Murrow is really classy. And joking about Islamic fundamentalists killing people is classy as well! Fake beard! Opium crop jokes! Seinfeld jokes! JFK is Marley's Ghost! And ignoring the part about fighting for liberty, not for America. Or something like that. And now it's back to "liberals are idiots and just like chanting slogans" jokes! Also funny are shots of Malone getting his faced stepped on. George C. Scott has got to be rolling in his grave at Kelsey Grammer as Patton. This slave-owning in the south thing is remarkably offensive to everyone. The Columbia Peace Studies scene continues the theme of an extremely simplistic view of everything. In fact, I honestly can't keep writing about everything in this. "Death to the uncircumcised"? ACLU Zombies? Attacking documentaries for not making money just never gets boring, does it? Jon Voight as George Washington! Hey, 9/11! More slapping of Michael Malone! And more fat jokes! Oh, my god... Seriously? Military college recruits are the good guys? Trace Adkins is definitely the Angel of Death. Country Music is not redemptive at all, idiots. A gay sailor joke? Followed by a gay marines joke? How exactly did a bunch of sick kids being dragged into the ocean become funny? About the only funny thing was how often kids resorted to the jerk off motion. Which is about the most American thing in the entire film.

W. is Oliver Stone's cliffnotes version of a drunk teens half-rememberance of what they once learned by reading a blog about George W. Bush's life. If you think I'm being too harsh, just think of anything that's been said about W.'s life or said by him and reported in the press that could potentially be either embarrassing for funny, and it's in the movie. I'm a little surprised they didn't keep the middle finger during the preparation for the TV interview. Otherwise, all the Bushisms you could shoehorn into an overlong and boring film are there. The cast is certainly an impressive collection of talent, it's just a shame that they were given absolutely nothing that's worth watching. Maybe Jeffrey Wright as the only reasonable person in Colin Powell, but really, it's just a waste of time for everyone involved and I highly recommend not watching this movie.

Swing Vote actually fits with the two previous films in an extremely cynical view of America and its politics. In this case, unlike An American Carol which is cynical in everything it does and W's cynicalness in its delving makeup deep into Bush's life, the cynicalness is that an unemployed drunk can decide an election and that both political parties will sell out their core beliefs to get that vote. Ignoring the basic fact that there's no way this wouldn't go to a recount and one vote not actually mattering across the state of New Mexico, along with how blatantly illegal the one on one campaigning and horse trading was, it was just kinda boring. About the only thing I was wondering was if they were going to chicken out or not at the end. They came really, really close, but the end made me like it a little more. Not this person on the IMDB message boards. Other things I kinda liked: Art Crumb clearly based on Bob Shrum and yet somehow not being incompetant enough, although Nathan Lane does get the desperate to be considered intelligent and successful right. There are some interesting bits, but overall, it's just a pox on both houses film.

Bangkok Dangerous is... wait, you were wondering what a movie about Nic Cage being a hitman in Bangkok has to do with three films about American politics? Well, this one was written by Jason Richman who also wrote Swing Vote. And somehow, this may be the best of the four films. It's certainly the one that I feel like I could recommend to someone with an appreciation for... I'm kidding. This is also terrible, has little to do with the original Bangkok Dangerous (aside from being set in Bangkok, having a hitman character, a deaf character, and a love story), and Nic Cage isn't even deliciously crazy in it. Come on. I wanted some Wicker Man crazy, or at least some hyperactive National Treasure wildness. Instead I got boring Nic Cage acting worldweary and doing lots of stupid non-hitman-y things. Yeah, still directed by the Pang Brothers, and Charlie Yeung is attractive, but a couple of stylish scenes can't make up for the rest of this tedious mess.