The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers

The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers starts with a warning: "Attention Content includes violence". They neglected to mention gratuitous panty shots (and the close-ups on said panties and nipples), lesbianism, shower scenes, terrible "diving" into the pool, a bunch of JAV idols, two (that's right two) scenes of men going to the bathroom, and weird birthmarks on the breasts and moles on the necks. Basically, a virus turns people into zombies and the swim team is immune due to the pool water. So the new girl was trained as an assassin and joins with the rest of the swim team to fight the zombies.

All times are approximate. First nude scene: 7 minutes in. First murder: 9 minutes in. I'm not sure which looked more fake. First completely gratuitous panty shot: 11 minutes in. First decapitation: 18 minutes in. First time the basic plot is described: 26 minutes in. First battle between teacher-zombie wielding metal rulers and a protractor and who is a fire breather vs. schoolgirl with aluminum bat and a brick: 27 minutes in. First training montage in a bikini and a ballgag: 31 minutes in. First lesbian sex scene that starts as a mouth-to-mouth feeding: 34 minutes in. First screeching orgasm: 40 minutes in. First chainsaw sighting: 42 minutes in. First wearing of intestines as a scarf: 44 minutes in. First girl who is erotically stimulated by a flute: 45 minutes in. First heterosexual sex scene: 47 minutes in. First hero shot of the swim team with improvised weapons and black speedos: 51 minutes in. Murder of most of the swim team: 53 minutes in. First Mission: Impossible style taking off of a face mask: 54 minutes in. First horribly fake explosion: 56 minutes in. First fight scene between the mad doctor who injects himself with the virii and the new girl with a lot of swimming equipment with sharp edges: 58 minutes in. First and second ball-kicking: 59 minutes in. First major surprise twist: 63 minutes in. Second major surprise twist: 67 minutes in. First laser shot out of a vagina-mounted weapon to explode the bad guy: 72 minutes in. Last major surprise twist: 75 minutes in. Movie over: 78 minutes in. Me wishing there had been a monkey or a pirate or a robot in it: 1 minute after the credits.

So why did I watch this cinematic travesty? Basically, I read this review yesterday, this review of that review today, and had to see it. For those of you who can read German, or just like looking at pictures of some of the scenes described above, go here. Most of the high points are included.

Cobra Verde, Sans Soleil, The 36th Chamber of Shaolin, & Tokyo Twilight

Cobra Verde is the last collaboration between Klaus Kinski and Werner Herzog, and is thus, insane. He's a bandit in South America where he impregnates three daughters of a landowner, and is somewhat exiled to Africa to restart the slave trade, but ends up leading a rebellion of an army of topless women to topple the leader of the country. You'd think I tried to make that more insane than it is, but actually that's what happens. It's pretty, but not as good as the other three Kinski/Herzog films I've seen (I haven't seen Woyzeck). A little less about obsession.

Sans Soleil I watched mainly due to wanting to rewatch La Jetée, which I'd seen a couple of times in college, and is excellent. Sans Soleil is more of a meditation on earth in general, a travelogue that also spends some time focusing on the obsession in Vertigo and time in Tokyo. Not quite as vital as La Jetée, but if you want to watch that, the Criterion DVD with them both isn't a terrible way to spend a couple of hours.

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin is two hours of crazy kung fu. Fight scenes range from great to outstanding, the story of an anti-Manchu student who goes to a Shaolin temple to learn kung fu in order to get revenge on the warlord who killed his parents. And then becomes a total badass and gets revenge and starts teaching kung fu to the general public to stop the Manchu. Definitely a must watch if you like martial arts films.

Tokyo Twilight is a late Ozu film (not unsurprisingly in the Late Ozu box set) and is pretty darn similar to most of the other post-war Ozu films, with Setsuko Hara, Chishu Ryu, and a few others from other Ozu films in the roles. It's sort of like you see one Ozu film, and you have seen most of them. The Ozu style of filmmaking, with static shots and characters talking directly into the camera just adds to the sameness. Of course, the abortion subplot extremely annoyed me, because women who get abortions have to be punished. Damnit, it isn't a first choice, but most women who get them don't die. Except in movies.

Bedazzled, Billy Budd, In Which We Serve, & Days of Glory

Bedazzled was amazingly better than the remake with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley. Somehow, huh? Dudley Moore and Peter Cook were quite enjoyable, but Eleanor Bron (for whom I have a soft spot due to Help! and Yo La Tengo's Tom Courtenay) just looked like she was wearing far too much makeup. Still, one of the better 60s British comedies. Raquel Welch with a terrible southern accent was weird.

Billy Budd is Terence Stamp's first film, a Peter Ustinov guided adaptation of the Melville novel about good vs. evil on a British Navy ship in 1797. Stamp is good, Robert Ryan is evil, and Ustinov the captain whose need to follow the rules leads to the conflict between good and evil. Stamp is, of course, amazing, and Ryan is as well, but all props go to Ustinov for putting the film together in the first place, writing, directing, producing, and starring in it.

In Which We Serve is a Noel Coward-David Lean co-directed film about a British ship that sinks in the Mediterranean in 1942, and it includes flashbacks about how the soldiers got to where they were. It's the first film directed by Noel Coward or David Lean (who actually did most of the directing), has Richard Attenborough in his first role, and is about how awesome the British Navy is. Weird sort of counterpoint to Billy Budd.

Days of Glory was way too long, and was more about how North Africans are actual people. Maybe other people needed that lesson, but it's not something for which I needed two hours of drumming into my head. Of course, the French needed it, due to their inability to give proper military pensions to the North African soldiers. One thing that really bothered me was Jamel Debbouze (married to Mélissa Theuriau), who is unable to use his right hand, is portrayed as a normal soldier. Were the French so hard up for soldiers that they'd put a one-armed soldier on the front lines? I understand that he's a French-born Moroccan, and a famous movie actor, but he also basically has one arm. Just go for someone who could conceivably be a soldier, please. Also, they ignored the Marocchinate, the rape of French women by the North African soldiers in Italy. Seriously, just gloss over that. Good for you France, for coming to grips with your past... Oh, I mean, not coming to grips with your past. Sigh, humans suck.

Ocean's Thirteen, Sense and Sensibility, The Good Shepherd, & Superbad

Ocean's Thirteen is probably the last of the Ocean's films, and honestly, the fun of watching a bunch of attractive people messing around will never get old, but the plot was stretched very thin. I liked it, but not as much as 11 or 12. And Al Pacino was basically himself. Again.

Sense and Sensibility, the new BBC miniseries version, isn't as good as Ang Lee's version, but it isn't as bad as the new Mansfield Park or Persuasion. Well, they weren't bad, but just not as good as the books. And Willoughby wasn't nearly as old as he seemed in the books. He seemed like he was in his very, very early 20s, and that just isn't old enough to be the dashing rapscallion of the novel.

The Good Shepherd was far too long, and I just didn't think it was all that impressive. Great cast, but why not just use the actual story, rather than making this one up. Eh.

Superbad was pretty funny, but ultimately, I think far too much time was spent with the cops, probably a result of Seth Rogen actually writing the film, and giving himself the role. I wanted more time with Michael Cera. Or just the same amount with Cera, and just less with everyone else. Jonah Hill was funny, but I really hated his character. A total ass and extremely self-involved to the point where he doesn't even realize how much he's holding everyone else back. And I remember reading some people were totally misreading the final scene as that Jules was going to get with Seth. It's so freakin' obvious that will not happen. Also, The Vag-Tastic Voyage is clever, but I just wondered if the actual porn site that's based on refused to allow them to use the name? They do use the actual Mr. Skin in Knocked Up, right? I haven't seen that yet. The penis drawings were a nice touch though.

iTunes Meme Goes Forth

Three years in, and I'm apparently still going strong, although with fewer movies and more concert reviews. So I'm redoing the iTunes meme again, and noting that I saw 295 films this year (total of 3623 films), meaning I didn't even make one a day, but made two more than last year. Moving, dating, and game nights are to blame. Restricting my movie watching, damnit!

How many total songs?
22402, that's 57 days, 4 hours, 17 minutes, and 6 seconds or 97 GB. That's 3143 more songs than last year, although by when I added current iterations of tracks, there are 3372 more tracks.

Sort by Song Title - first and last?
A.B.C. by The Jackson 5 on the Hitsville USA box set
___ from Regina Spektor's Soviet Kitsch
iTunes changed the way it structures the alphabetization, putting numbers and other characters after the letters rather than before them.

Sort by Artist - first and last?
a-ha
+/-
I still like Take on Me and +/-, even if they may suck live, according to other people.

Sort by Time - first and last?
Intro from The New Pornographers' 9/20/2007 KCRW set
Symphony no. 9 from the BBC Philharmonic's Beethoven's Symphonies
That intro is just slightly shorter than the Ani DiFranco from last year. It's less than four tenths of a second shorter than that Ani track.

Sort by Album - first and last?
The A List by Wire
() by Sigur Rós
I don't actually own The A List, as it's a mid-period Wire album.

Top Five Played Songs:
Holland, 1945 from Neutral Milk Hotel's In the Aeroplane over the Sea
Blue Bird from The Rosebuds' Birds Make Good Neighbors
Kicks in the Schoolyard from The Rosebuds' TheRosebudsMakeOut
Throwaway Style from The Exploding Hearts' Guitar Romantic
Drille Me from Portastatic's The Summer of the Shark
Last year had Kicks in the Schoolyard, but I've just listened to the others more.

Ten Last Played
Neil Jung from Teenage Fanclub's Grand Prix
She Don't Use Jelly from The Flaming Lips' Transmissions from the Satellite Heart
Too Young by Phoenix on Lost in Translation
Galang by M.I.A. Live on KEXP 11/16/2007
Ça Plane Pour Moi by Sonic Youth on Freedom of Choice
15 Step from Radiohead's In Rainbows
Falling out of Love (with You) from The 6ths' Wasps' Nests
The National Front Disco from Morrissey's Your Arsenal
Pretend To Be Nice by Josie & the Pussycats on Josie & the Pussycats
Better Things by Fountains of Wayne on This Is Where I Belong - The Songs of Ray Davies & The Kinks

Find "sex," how many songs show up? 123 (by track is 46, and Song against Sex at 6, and most of the songs are from The Essex Green)
Find "death," how many songs show up? 151 (by track is 47, with 3 The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carrolls)
Find "love," how many songs show up? 1176 (by track is 719, with 15 Love Will Tear Us Apart's winning)
Find "peace," how many songs show up? 26, (by track is 23, (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love & Understanding? winning this one at 7)
Find "rain," how many songs show up? 340, with 180 by track, having Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head winning with 5, although these numbers include things like train and brain and drain and rainbows and woodgrain
Find "sun," how many songs show up? 274, with 205 by track, and Island in the Sun winning with 5
Find "you," how many songs show up? 2627, with 1751 by track and 10 Your Kisses Are Wasted on Me
Find "home," how many songs show up? 160, with 99 by track and Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) with 4
Find "boy," how many songs show up? 615, with 233 by track and Where Have All the Rude Boys Gone? with 12
Find "girl," how many songs show up? 573, with 284 by track and I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me with 8
Find "hate," how many songs show up? 88, with 55 by track and I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me with 8
Find "wish," how many songs show up? 64, with 43 by track and I Wish I Never Saw the Sunshine at 4

Tanner on Tanner, March of the Penguins, & Coyote Ugly

Tanner on Tanner was a little disappointing, being far more about the difficulty of making a documentary film in today's marketplace (well, at least in 2004, which I believe is considerably harder than in today's marketplace) than Tanner '88, which was a great look at running an underdog campaign. It, with my very little first-hand experience in doing so, seemed real. I have never tried to make a documentary film, but I have seen many, many movies about making movies, and very few of them bring much new to it. Day for Night is an obvious exception. But I just thought it was a little navel-gazing. They did have why Barack Obama is (fingers-crossed) going to be the next President of the United States, though, with the rhetorically brilliant, "The pundits like to slice and dice our country into red states and blue States: red states for Republicans, blue States for Democrats. But I've got news for them, too. We worship an awesome God in the blue states, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the red states. We coach little league in the blue states and, yes, we've got some gay friends in the red states." Those lines right there. If only Kerry had half as much talent giving a speech as Obama does, we'd be working on re-electing John Kerry. And this country wouldn't be crappy.

March of the Penguins is 80 minutes of nature footage with a slightly boring narration by Morgan Freeman. How the hell did this make as much money as it did? Ok, looking at Box Office Mojo, it turns out it didn't break $100 million in the US, but still, it's a glorified nature documentary that isn't remotely as impressive as Planet Earth. Which is frickin' awesome if for some reason you haven't seen it yet. Also, what the hell was up with the 2005 Oscars? Crash I've railed against many times before, and I was disappointed with Tsotsi, but Darwin's Nightmare, Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, Murderball, and Street Fight all would have been better choices. Well, maybe not Murderball, but the other three were quite good documentaries. Nature films are interesting, but I never feel the need to see this, or think about March of the Penguins ever again. The others at least have some kind of relevance to reality. If I never knew that penguins marched 70 miles a bunch of times a year, my life wouldn't change. There are some issues with evolution (God, did you really need to make penguins do that? Really, you did? What a douche!) and monogamy that made this some weird cultural benchmark. Honestly, the movie would have been even more disappointing had I not seen it on blu-ray. I do wish the French soundtrack had been a different track (well, it may have been, but I didn't actually look for it), because that movie needed the penguins to talk and pop music played.

Coyote Ugly is terrible and almost unwatchable. Train wreck to an extreme. Do I need to explain why?