Inception, Zombieland, Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired, & Le Corbeau

Inception is Chris Nolan just sayin' "Try to follow this, and if you can't, well, at least you get to see a fight in a spinning hallway." I'm not sure what more I can add to what's been written about this. I loved it, want Joseph Gordon-Levitt to get more roles, want more Lukas Haas, and want there to be a sequel: "Inception 2: The Sleepquel". If you haven't seen it, go out and see it. I cannot recommend this highly enough. It's Nolan's best film, hands down. For those who have seen it already, check out this clean chart of the dream sequence, which I think is the clearest and most accurate version of it. I do think the people who are listed as in Limbo end up there by the end of the film. And if you haven't seen the video about the score, check it out here and read about Hans Zimmer's thoughts on it.

Zombieland is a romantic comedy. That happens to be a remarkably stupid romantic comedy. There are zombies to enjoy, and there are long stretches that work well, but the actual romance is bad, and everyone in the movie does very stupid things, almost constantly. And the big "secret"? Woo? Honestly, it was just another thing that was a good idea but the execution was a little short of successful. It was so close to being a great film, but sudden turns to the very stupid by previously very smart people lead to stuff that doesn't make any sense. Come on, the film is better than that. Or at least, I want it to be better than that.

Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired makes me feel bad for Roman Polanski. That makes me sick. He's a messed up dude who likes to rape young teenagers. Who also happens to be one of the most talented directors of all time. Director of one of the two movies that still freak me out in Repulsion (with The Shining being the other). Director of one of the best film noirs to come out after the 50s in Chinatown. Director of one of the best Holocaust movies ever in The Pianist. Director of one of the best Hitchcockian movies since Hitchcock's death in Frantic. Director of the best movie to ever deal with Satanism in Rosemary's Baby. Director of the best Polish film of all time in Knife in the Water. And raper of at least one drugged 13 year old girl. Who got off lightly and then skipped out on a horribly messed up sentence due to a judge who should've been dejudged. And this documentary makes me feel sorry for him. It's quite a good documentary, but then again, I'm a guy who has never been raped and who loves his movies. I may not be the best judge of Polanski.

Le Corbeau is Henri-Georges Clouzot doing a very brave thing: writing and directing a movie in Vichy France about the dangers of spying on one another and not being unified in the face of someone who wants to destroy someone for petty reasons. Actually, that comes out sounding less impressive than I meant it to be. It's sort of about someone who's going to take revenge for reporting people to the government for collaborating with the Nazis or the Vichy, and the film was financed by the Germans. The film itself isn't as good as Clouzot's later films like Quai des Orfvres, Wages of Fear, or Les Diaboliques.

Babylon A.D., Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Eye in the Sky, Throwdown, Real Fiction, & Otto; or, Up with Dead People

Babylon A.D. is a really interesting idea, although a little Children of Men, but with Vin Diesel instead of Clive Owen. Oh, and a talented director and good script is also lacking. This does have Michelle Yeoh in it. Unfortunately that is about the only thing this has going for it.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno proves that a film marketed as a comedy can be known for two things: comedy that isn't funny at all and impressive lightsaber dildos. Sadly, other things I can remember: Katie Morgan's horrible fake tits, gay people being "funny" due to talking about sucking cock, and... um, the hockey team is named the Zombies? I've now seen Jason Mewes's dick? Ugh. Just a worthless film.

Eye in the Sky was produced by Johnny To, but it is less like his straight up action films than more about the mentorship between a sargeant and his newest student in a police surveillance unit. It's actually pretty enjoyable, even if it does have the not as good Tony Leung. It was fun to see Simon Yam be the good guy, though. Not an amazing film, but not bad.

Throwdown was actually directed by Johnny To, but it wasn't actually any good. Overacting and a nonsensical plot.

Real Fiction is Kim Ki-duk just messing with you. Shot in basically real-time (there are a few cuts that I think slightly elide time), it's about a guy who basically goes around and kills everyone who upset him. Kim really is just a jerk, and he uses the girl who follows the lead around to implicate the audience in the crimes themselves, at least, until he literally beats you over the head with a rock near the end. I'm not sure exactly what the ending scene really meant, if it was just to try to release some of the immense amounts of tension created in the film, or if it's some weird alternate version of the main character.

Ping Pong Playa seems to think it's funny to replace various cursing with the sound of a ping pong ball or a basketball. It's also a typical sports comedy with an added bit of cultural comedy. Actually, replace comedy with "comedy". It's not particularly funny. Sigh. It's really hard to trust reviews I half remember from two or three years ago. Sigh.

Otto; or, Up with Dead People allows me to say something I never thought I'd ever say: "I have now seen a zombie gay traumatically inseminating another gay zombie." If that's the sort of thing you want to say, have I got a movie for you! Bruce LaBruce made a zombie film. He's apparently a controversial gay Canadian artiste who makes films in Germany. Maybe he's found that Germany is more accepting of this? I'm not sure how anyone can really be accepting of a film that says that gays are zombies and that they are mostly interested in turning people into zombie gays. The only, and I literally mean only, thing that was remotely interesting in the film was that one character was basically a silent film star within the overall film, and so she spoke with intertitles, and when on screen with other people was in black and white with film grain. I guess if I wanted to see naked gay dudes having sex, that would have been interesting as well, but I was well on my way to falling asleep by the time the orgy started.

Diary of the Dead, The Hand, La terza madre, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Mongol, & Stuck

Diary of the Dead is the first in a slightly unintentional horror film fest. George Romero may, possibly need to stop making movies in the Dead world. I know he made another one, which probably won't be released for a while in the US, but he should stop. Because this was just a crappy retelling of the origin of the zombies, from the perspective of a bunch of film students. Movies where characters go through lots of horrible experiences and yet somehow still have a camera available to catch the important plot points are just completely ridiculous. This, Cloverfield, and The Blair Witch Project just strain credulity to such an extent I can't enjoy them at all.

The Hand is an early Oliver Stone film, and is worthless. Somehow, Michael Caine is the best person ever for reasons why he takes horrible movies. He's said, "You get paid the same for a bad film as you do for a good one", "I've made an awful lot of films. In fact, I've made a lot of awful films", and "I have never seen [Jaws: the Revenge], but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific." This one he apparently did because he needed a new garage. This movie has hand cam. And somehow, Michael Caine can make things reanimate. Except for this script. Oh, just ridiculousness straight through.

The Third Mother is the third movie in Dario Argento's Three Mothers Trilogy, with Suspriria and Inferno. Suspiria is a masterwork, Inferno is middling, and The Third Mother (for some stupid reason translated as Mother of Tears) is horribly bad. Asia Argento proves that the only reason she ever gets roles is because of her name. She is horrendously bad. About the only thing ok in the movie is Udo Kier being ridiculous before he has his throat slit and then his head hacked in half. Other than that, the nudity is silly, the kills are eh, and the plot makes no sense.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street is the surprisingly good version of the Sondheim musical. As my main problem with Sweeney Todd before was my inability to understand many of the songs' lyrics, I appreciated it much more than I liked it, but with the subtitles, and the impressive acting from Depp and Carter (let alone Rickman being his normally awesome bad guy) make it a great movie. I know that it won some Golden Globes, but eh to thinking they could have gotten anything right. Burton clearly was enjoying himself with some mirrors and differing thickness of glass to make people's faces look Burtonesque, and also loved the visual of the dead bodies falling through the chute and landing. Sondheim does an amazing job writing beautiful, funny songs about some extremely evil people.

Mongol doesn't seem like it fits with my theme of horror films, but it really is when you come down to it. It's about the creation of a mass murderer. Endless torture, having his wife raped repeatedly, you know, all the normal things that lead to mass murderin'. Apparently, the history is a little off, but it works fairly well as a movie. Beautifully filmed and with strong performances by Tadanobu Asano and Khulan Chuluun as Temudjin and Börte, which the movie wants you to believe is the love story of all time. I know that reality is likely to be like this, but I bet it's far more accurate than The Conqueror.

Stuck is the last film in my mini-horror fest. Stuart Gordon fictionalizes the story of the woman who kills a homeless man by driving into him and letting him die trapped in the windshield of her car. It really does work as a slasher film for the sections with Stephen Rea as the homeless man, and a weird, but very different, horror film with Mena Suvari as the car driver. It's quite an effective little film, a quick and dirty movie, with a sick sense of humor.

Caseus Archivelox: Forgotten Silver, The Devil's Backbone, & Cronos

2002-04-13 - 1:55 p.m.
It was Peter Jackson Film Day. First was one I hadn't seen before Forgotten Silver, it was a mockumentary about the first filmmaker to use sound film and color film, and tried to make a 4 hour long biblical epic with the help of the communists and some corrupt American producers. It was really funny. Next was Bad Taste, which I skipped about ten minutes in the middle of because it was somewhat boring seeing those ten minutes again. It was definitely a low budget film. Then I watched all of the Frighteners, because I hadn't seen it in a while. It was good. Sort of silly serial killer at the end, but most movies have that. Well, most movies that have serial killers in them have that. Coolest thing about the movie is that Dammers tries to drown out Lynskey's screaming with Sonic Youth's version of the Carpenter's classic "Superstar". Then I watched almost an hour of Dead Alive. I decided that I only wanted to watch the Kung Fu priest scene, and the entire zombie massacre at the end. If I need to watch them again, it's not like I really have a problem.

After that I went back to coordinate the 9:30 showing of The Devil's Backbone. The movie was a really really good ghost story. Very atmospheric and had some good scares, at least according to a girl in the audience who screamed a lot. The movie only had a couple jump scenes, most were shots where the camera panned, tilted, or tracked away from a character to the disturbing thing, fully anticipating a sort of scary shot. Not really screaming quality scares. But the movie was incredibly well made. I think that Blade 2 is probably a better film than Blade. I really want to see that. Especially because of the midnight film Cronos. That was a great reimagination of the vampire mythos. Too bad there weren't any lesbians in the movie. Guillermo Del Toro is a really talented director, and even Mimic (easily his worst film, no matter how bad Blade 2 may or may not be) shows flashes of brilliance.

Doctor Who, Torchwood, 28 Weeks Later, La Chinoise, Dead Like Me: Life after Death, You Kill Me, & From Hell

So back in February, I started to watch all of Doctor Who (the new series), along with Torchwood. And, finally, in early April I finished. There were some delays (I watched the excellent State of Play and Let the Right One In from Netflix to break up the slightly cheeky (in the case of Doctor Who) and entirely cheeky (in the case of Torchwood) Britishness). But basically, I'm here to tell you that Doctor Who was actually fairly enjoyable, especially once Billie Piper left the show (somehow not for good... damnit), while Torchwood was not as good. I didn't watch them in broadcast order, so I already knew some plot twists at the end of the two seasons of Torchwood (sigh...), but I'm not sure even watching them slightly unspoiled would have made me enjoy it more. It just felt like it was trying far too hard to be "adult". Doctor Who was light and fluffy, slipped in funny references (the Shakespeare episode blows away Shakespeare in Love for pure nerdity), and was frequently quite good. Certainly there was some unnecessary returns (why keep bringing back the Daleks after you keep destroying them for the last time? along with each return of Billie Piper), but I enjoyed the show quite a bit, and have added it (along with Torchwood) to my DVR in the hopes that they will broadcast the next seasons at some point this year (in the US, I'm aware that the first Doctor Who special has already aired in the UK).

28 Weeks Later would have been better as a stand alone zombie movie. But comparing it to 28 Days Later just was ugh. The anti-militarism and nihilistic ending was just basically Return of the Living Dead 3 over again. Also, why, exactly was the mother left alone in the hospital complex with no one watching her at all? Seriously, U.S. Military? You aren't that stupid. Stringer Bell would never do anything that stupid. And the genetic immunity made no sense at all. Just a mess of a film that was more successful than it deserved. Danny Boyle would have rocked it. Hard.

La Chinoise is Godard at his most Godardian. I probably could have made more sense of it if I knew French, as some of the intertitles and graffiti were not subtitled. I feel like it suffers from being a little too radicalized, although there are touches of playfulness that made his earlier films so great, but the preachiness that ruined Godard is in full effect.

Dead Like Me: Life after Death sucked. Pure and simple. Especially with my complaints about the show not finishing the first time, to have it extended in this fashion, with a new Daisy and Mandy Patinkin not back (replaced with Desmond from Lost, but in a horrendously bad subplot), is actually worse than not bringing it back. So yeah, I complained about not seeing an ending back in 2007, but I still kinda wish it didn't have an ending. Or that they had splurged and brought back Laura Harris (who, even though Canadian, did a much better Southern accent than the Australian Sarah Wynter, who didn't even bother with the accent) and Mandy Patinkin and thought for a second about whether it would help to bring it back. Because we just got another character disappearing without much of a goodbye and a movie that at under 90 minutes long still felt like it was channeling the extended edition of Return of the King when it came to endings. Avoid unless you're a masochistic Dead Like Me fan.

You Kill Me is... why the hell did I add this to my Netflix queue?

From Hell is something I knew why I added it, although I definitely have added and removed it at least once before. It certainly isn't a particularly good movie, and I'm not going to go into the historical inaccuracies. Maybe I should try reading it again. About the only thing notable about From Hell is that Alan Moore hadn't yet gotten pissed enough with Hollywood to take his name off the film. I'm pretty sure that he didn't have a better impression of Hollywood after this. Eeesh. His feelings are well deserved.

Caseus Archivelox: Night of the Living Dead: 30th Anniversary edition & Dawn of the Dead

2002-03-28 - 9:41 p.m.
We watched the 30th Anniversary edition of "Night of the Living Dead". That was quite simply the worst rereleased film of all time. The added scenes had the worst acting in the movie. This is a zombie movie, where the worst acting isn't the zombies. That sort of tells you how bad the acting was. The added scenes where a priest doesn't become a zombie by prayer and splashing holy water upon the zombie bite also goes against the entire idea of the movie. The new scenes were also edited in horribly.

2002-03-28
You already know how much I absolutely detested the added scenes and new soundtrack for Night of the Living Dead. The desire of some people to ruin films in the name of supposed profits makes me sick and supremely disappointed.

I will not dwell upon the completely unnecessary scenes, or the horrendous acting, or the fact that the added scenes actually detract from the impact of the scenes. The original film is one of the most perfect horror films, as it works as both a gruesome and gore-filled shocker and also as a multi-layered allegory for civil rights, Vietnam, communism, or even the over-reliance upon television. The dominant white male society almost destroys the strong black male, and when it fails at first, it finally succeeds at the hands of the suggestively racist sheriff’s posse. A small amount of Americans is constantly attacked by a much faster growing and relentless enemy and is slowly destroyed. Americans, instead of actually escaping, sit around waiting for the TV to tell them what to do. The original ending, although ultimately destroying the occupants of the house, ultimately confirms the status of society, suggesting that the society needs to work harder to make it better.

In contrast with the low budget masterpiece of Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead had a much larger budget and was in color. And, although Dawn of the Dead was a sequel made by the same director, they show what the larger budget can do for a filmmaker’s vision. Romero’s use of black actors as the take-charge (and most sensible, along with Dawn of the Dead’s Francine) characters goes against the Hollywood stereotype where the black character always dies and is supporting cast to the white actors. Also, Dawn of the Dead is the first of the zombie movies that has zombies that obviously have some memory of their past life, and thus, it allows Romero to touch upon the consumerism that was so prevalent in the 70s (and still to this day), by having the zombies wander around the mall.

The gore effects in both are great, and help to make the movies less obviously deeper meaning than some other pretentious horror films. That is always a bonus, because pretentious movies almost always fail miserably because they cannot be good movies. Message films need to have a sense of humor about themselves, or at least be good films, or else they will end up being respected but not watched, something that Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead certainly do not deserve.

Caseus Archivelox: Return of the Living Dead III, Rosemary's Baby, & Spriggan

2002-03-26
Having seen both the first and second part of the series (which were basically the same movie), and having heard that the third part was much better than the first two, and a zombie movie about teen angst, I was hoping for a great movie. I was not disappointed. The movie, while unfortunately structured within the schoolboy nihilistic Return of the Living Dead movie framework, almost breaks out from it by turning one of the rules of the movie on its head: zombies that are in love can now remember that they were in love, and have no real desire to eat their loved one’s brains. This goes against the first movie, as a guy dies in his lover’s arms, immediately attempts to eat her brains. This is not a bad thing however, as it allows for the disaffected teen within us to empathize with the female zombie who is trying to find her new place in the world, after waking up with a hunger for brains. In previous movies, zombies were just something that needed to be destroyed.

One problem I have with the ROTLD movies is that they have unnecessarily nihilistic endings that do not normally fit with the sequels. After the first one, in which Louisville is destroyed by a nuclear weapon and the zombie contagion spreads, how can the next two movies be made, as the first one proved that the military could not destroy the zombies, yet they somehow have contained them enough to keep the general public from understanding that there are a large amount of indestructible zombies running rampant? I find it silly to think of that. At least the sequels to the Universal horror films attempted to explain this, while these movies just move on, reference the earlier movies occasionally, but refuse to explain how they can happen. Part three’s ending is unnecessary, as they decide to turn the biofilter off to destroy mankind because they are trying to turn zombies into weapons? Should the fact that the people who tried to do that died due to their own creations have anything to do with a reassessment of the military’s policy? And one last complaint about these movies is the fact that dead bodies suffer from rigor mortis and have problems being bent, but here once they turn into zombies they move quickly, have almost superhuman strength, and cannot be destroyed, which goes against all the rules of zombie movies.

Rosemary’s Baby
I find that of the sort-of-scary, psychological thrillers that are now classified as the new classics of the horror genre, I like Rosemary’s Baby the most, as seems like it is more realistic than the others, with less reliance upon the supernatural for its effectiveness as a movie. Until the ending scenes, the supernatural is just suggested, and could be explained as the doctor does towards the end when he says that it could be a result of normal pregnancy hysteria. The ending itself is sort of anti-climactic, however it follows from the intense love of a mother for her child that she would care for it, even if it were a badly deformed, demon baby. The reason I like the movie so much is that Roman Polanski does such an effective job in building suspense and horror throughout the movie that it makes one uncomfortably scared throughout the last hour of the movie and long afterwards, because it seems real. It broaches the idea of Satanism, cannibalism, witchcraft, and selling your soul to the devil so well, that while looking back at it, it is clear that they are fantastic ideas, when watching it, you believe that all of this could happen. Mia Farrow is excellent in this role, as the audience sees everything from her perspective and eventually identifies with her view of her baby as her own, and it does not seem like she is crazy for caring for her offspring, even if it is the Anti-Christ.

2002-03-27 - 12:04 a.m.
At least it was Return of the Living Dead III, not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but better than the first and second, and somewhat interesting. I don't like the Return movies as they all have nihilistic endings that are just silly, and I am sure it's just because they work from the Romero blueprint, even though they fail miserably as Romero did it first and best, and the Return movies are just too silly to be anything more than pitifully inept social commentary. Ooooh, military makes zombies, military lets zombies loose, zombies eat lots of people, military bad. Duh.

I went to go watch Spriggan, some silly dubbed anime on 35mm. Our showing was listed on the official Spriggan web site. Too bad the movie never explained how spriggans got the name spriggan. And there was some stupid stuff about Noah's Ark being responsible for controlling the weather and evolution. I don't think it made any more sense when watching it. Apparently, it was a movie from the middle of an anime series or something, and thus, if I were willing to read the manga, I'd be able to understand it. About the only good thing about the movie was that it was well animated.

Caseus Archivelox: Night of the Comet & Return of the Living Dead

2001-12-08 - 11:19 a.m.
Well, anyway, I wanted to say a little about the movies last night, for those of you who haven't seen it, see "Night of the Comet" as soon as possible. Very, very funny movie, with some great 80s stuff and an interesting line about the last guy on earth not coming on to a woman, so he was either a gentleman or gay. "Return of the Living Dead" was strangely unsatisfying, although the midget zombie was still very funny, and I am a big fan of cataloging the most gratuitous nudity in film, and one character just decides to dance totally nude on a grave, and then proceeds to be completely nude (except for legwarmers, as this is the 1980s) for the rest of the movie. Just sort of not worth it.

I Am Legend, The Polar Express, The Silent Partner, Overlord, Early Spring, & Equinox Flower

I Am Legend is pretty bad. The first parts, where Will Smith... oh, I mean, Robert Neville is wandering around a badly cgi'd New York City (and badly CGI'd deer and lions) are at least serviceable, but once the CGI'd vampires/zombies start dominating the screentime, it goes right off a cliff and never recovers. I watched it on HBO, so I didn't get to see the alternate ending in great quality, but I saw it online, and it certainly is better, although I wonder exactly why the studio had them change a happy ending to a depressing one. Aren't happy endings what Hollywood wants? Neither was particularly good, and the whole final siege scene was pretty much crap. Blargh. There's a good movie in there somewhere, but bad bad bad special effects just ruined it.

The Polar Express is a bunch of people dead behind the eyes, and the few people not played by Tom Hanks. The animation was off, because the eyes looked dead, and the faces didn't move right. Also, the movie was stretched to the point of pain. Barghle. Why did I sit through this? Stupid.

The Silent Partner has a great performance from Christopher Plummer as a crazy guy who robs a bank where Elliott Gould, Susannah York, and John Candy (!) work. But Elliott Gould took the money first. So Plummer starts about getting the money from him. It's written by Curtis Hanson, he of L.A. Confidential and Wonder Boys fame. As such, it's an interesting little film, with nudity and violence against women (the second of which I was kind of uncomfortable with). But certainly goes to show that the 1970s were a very good time for movies.

Speaking of the 70s, Overlord was originally made in 1975, but vanished for about 30 years until it was redone by the Criterion Collection a few years ago. It's the story of a mild-mannered guy who joins the British Army during WWII and is on one of the first landing crafts to hit Normandy during D-Day. He struggles through basic training, and really is not the soldiering type. And all through this he is terrified by a vision he has of being shot while running up the beach. But the real reason why this film is interesting is the large amount of archival footage provided by both the Imperial War Museum as well as German film archives. John Alcott, who worked with Stanley Kubrick many times (including the brilliantly shot Barry Lyndon), matches the film stock perfectly. Not just a touching story, it's also one of the best movies about D-Day, even as it ends before any real fighting has happened. Definitely recommended.

Early Spring makes me wish I didn't feel this compunction to watch every film by directors I enjoy. It's a more biting film than many of his others, focusing on a salaried man's affair and hiding it from his family and coworkers, but still they all feel like he's telling a similar story in a slightly different fashion. Technically proficient, and with the same strong performances, but definitely of decreasing value to me watching them. Equinox Flower at least doesn't have a title of Relative Time Season. It's really close, but not exactly. The hero of this is a hypocrite about relationships with daughters, and it's about how the women in his life gently push him into the present with their roles in society. The use of color actually fits with the idea of pushing a somewhat backwards looking guy into the present, as Ozu finally moves into color filmmaking.

ST 3: Marauder, POTC: Dead Man's Chest, Larry Flynt: The Right to Be Left Alone, & Thank You, Mr. President: Helen Thomas at the White House

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder was terrible. There was gratuitous nudity. But as per usual, no frontals, so sorry. That some nudity thing made me think it would just be a fleeting thing, but nope. Anyway, the film was horrible. Vagina dentata up the wazoo though, along with ridiculously stupid religious symbolism. Actually the nudity and the fact that the black guy doesn't die are about the only things to recommend it. Well, it depends on whether you actually liked the book. The return (I haven't seen the second, and both Tweaks and Meat have warned me of just how terrible it is) of the Nazi propaganda films made it somewhat enjoyable. Jolene Blalock's horribly puffed up lips detracted from that. Oh, and the main protester being named Gonif was a little bit of Yiddish humor. Gonif's hard to describe, but sort of a good-for-nothing who does things that are sort of illegal, but not really a crook.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is 2.5 hours long. For those of you keeping track, that's at least an hour too long. It just kept going and going and going. And Depp wasn't nearly as fun, and basically everything wasn't nearly as fun. The first one didn't feel like it had to live up to anything, and my expectations were pretty low. I did see it in a packed theater with a very enthusiastic audience, and this one I saw on blu-ray on my HDTV, but alone on a Sunday morning. I sort of regretted it, although now I can complain about the most important thing that the Pirates of the Caribbean films brought to light: a zombie pirate monkey. This was such a great thing in the first movie with lots of zombie pirates and then a reveal of a zombie pirate monkey at the end, and then this just shunts him off to a couple of jokes, and focuses on sea creature pirates. Which fail miserably. I like cute furry creatures, not starfish. So few films really need sequels, and most that get them screw up the expectations created by earlier films that it's just painful to see them even try.

Larry Flynt: The Right to Be Left Alone was a short documentary about Larry Flynt. And while I've never actually read/held a Hustler in my hands (as far as I can remember, it has been pretty hard to find a Hustler in Cincinnati for most of my life), I like Larry Flynt's continual fight for its right to exist. And this was a much more accurate version of the movie than The People Vs. Larry Flynt. About my only complaint (besides brief length) was that intercut with the archival footage and talking heads was a scene from a photoshoot for Hustler. This was unnecessary. I don't care what the photoshoot looks like, except in the context of what is acceptable and not within a variety of censorship laws throughout the country. I mean, is it acceptable to show nipple? Because I have this feeling that it isn't in Malaysia. Silly Muslims, nips are for kids. And yes, I just hurt everyone's brain with that. Yay!

Thank You, Mr. President: Helen Thomas at the White House is a big love letter to the White House press corps. And it's too short. I wanted more of a press corps that cared and asked tough questions like that. Maybe less singing from Helen Thomas though. It's a good use of 40 minutes.

Also, this was the colon update. It's complicated.

The Middleman

The Middleman on ABC Family: yes, in some ways, you're giving money to Pat Robertson. I think, all I know is that he's somehow still on ABC Family. How they can show the 700 Club and The Middleman back to back is painful to my brain. But man oh man, The Middleman may be the best comic book adaptation ever. For those not in the know, Javier Grillo-Marxuach (a former writer for Lost) wrote the pilot episode for the series some years back, but no one wanted to pick it up, so he turned it into a comic in 2005. And published three trade paperbacks over the next few years until ABC Family (in their infinite wisdom) actually picked this up for series. Originally planned to be 13 episodes, the ratings have been bad, and so the order was cut down to 12. I don't want this to go the way of all the other awesome shows I love on TV (unlike Pushing Daisies and Lost) and get canceled. Anyway, the plot is that a temp, named Wendy Watson (nicknamed Dub-Dub, which always makes me think of Jubjub), ends up hired by mysterious superhero The Middleman to be his replacement and they end up having to fight crime with the help of an alien android and lots of crazy technology with ridiculous names (like the BTRS Scanner, which stands for Beyond the Realm of Science). And more puns and references to pop culture than I could have thought possible. Every episode seems to have a lot of references to one particular subject matter, like the trout zombie episode having many references to the band, The Zombies. Episode titles include "The Sino-Mexican Revelation" (a group of Lucha Libre wrestlers kidnap the Middleman's sensei (played by the Chairman, Mark Dacascos, shown here with the Middleman), "The Flying Fish Zombification" (about a guy turning people into trout zombies...), and "The Boyband Superfan Interrogation" (about an alien who is trying to stop a boy band from destroying the planet through the use of wormholes). Honestly, this is just about the smartest show I have seen in years. But beyond the absurd plots (Supersmart Gorillas Obsessed With Gangster Movies! Recovering Succubi! A Cursed Tuba From The Titanic!), the best thing is the characters. Wendy (adorably played by the adorable Natalie Morales) lives in an illegal sublet with another young photogenic artist, played by Brit Morgan, and is friends with Noser, who generally speaks all in song lyrics and plays "Stump the Band" in a highly entertaining fashion. These are real people in a bizarre but enjoyable world and their interactions are what make the TV show worth watching.

I've been watching it with Tweaks and Meat. And for those of you who want advanced studies in Middlemania, go here to see a bunch of behind the scenes videos and promos giving you a bit of the idea of the ridiculous awesomenosity of the show. This week's episode is about ghosts at a sorority, and constantly references Ghostbusters and Wendy talks about how she watches terrible zombie films to remind her of how awesome the good ones are. It was just great. And there will be upcoming episodes with Kevin "TV's Hercules" Sorbo, vampire puppets (can't possibly be as good as Smile Time, but I'm happy that there will be more vampire puppets on TV), and an evil parallel universe (with goatees!). I defy you to watch this show and not enjoy it. Please watch it. Please.

The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers

The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers starts with a warning: "Attention Content includes violence". They neglected to mention gratuitous panty shots (and the close-ups on said panties and nipples), lesbianism, shower scenes, terrible "diving" into the pool, a bunch of JAV idols, two (that's right two) scenes of men going to the bathroom, and weird birthmarks on the breasts and moles on the necks. Basically, a virus turns people into zombies and the swim team is immune due to the pool water. So the new girl was trained as an assassin and joins with the rest of the swim team to fight the zombies.

All times are approximate. First nude scene: 7 minutes in. First murder: 9 minutes in. I'm not sure which looked more fake. First completely gratuitous panty shot: 11 minutes in. First decapitation: 18 minutes in. First time the basic plot is described: 26 minutes in. First battle between teacher-zombie wielding metal rulers and a protractor and who is a fire breather vs. schoolgirl with aluminum bat and a brick: 27 minutes in. First training montage in a bikini and a ballgag: 31 minutes in. First lesbian sex scene that starts as a mouth-to-mouth feeding: 34 minutes in. First screeching orgasm: 40 minutes in. First chainsaw sighting: 42 minutes in. First wearing of intestines as a scarf: 44 minutes in. First girl who is erotically stimulated by a flute: 45 minutes in. First heterosexual sex scene: 47 minutes in. First hero shot of the swim team with improvised weapons and black speedos: 51 minutes in. Murder of most of the swim team: 53 minutes in. First Mission: Impossible style taking off of a face mask: 54 minutes in. First horribly fake explosion: 56 minutes in. First fight scene between the mad doctor who injects himself with the virii and the new girl with a lot of swimming equipment with sharp edges: 58 minutes in. First and second ball-kicking: 59 minutes in. First major surprise twist: 63 minutes in. Second major surprise twist: 67 minutes in. First laser shot out of a vagina-mounted weapon to explode the bad guy: 72 minutes in. Last major surprise twist: 75 minutes in. Movie over: 78 minutes in. Me wishing there had been a monkey or a pirate or a robot in it: 1 minute after the credits.

So why did I watch this cinematic travesty? Basically, I read this review yesterday, this review of that review today, and had to see it. For those of you who can read German, or just like looking at pictures of some of the scenes described above, go here. Most of the high points are included.

Like Water for Chocolate, Bender's Big Score, All the King's Men, Christmas in July, Naked, & The Up Series

Like Water for Chocolate is a movie that was given to my parents back on VHS (one of the very, very few they ever were given, since they never purchased them, and, as far as I know, they've never purchased a DVD either), but I never watched. I have remedied that. Magical realism is a soft spot of mine, and lots of food preparation just made it even more interesting to me. The copious nudity didn't hurt either. I just didn't connect with the film as much as the parts suggested I should.

Bender's Big Score is a Futurama movie. If you don't think that the show was consistently the best animated TV show ever, then you're plain wrong. It took the best of the Simpsons, and added insanely geeky references (just watch the half hour long math lecture included on the DVD for the proof), and extremely effective pop culture satire, and just made extreme hilarity a constant feature. I utterly loved it. Of course I wanted more, and the next three films will have to do, but why the hell did Family Guy, that unfunny piece of crap (one of my favorite gags was the Family Guy calendar advertising 12 jokes a year), come back, while Futurama was so royally screwed throughout almost its entirely too short broadcast time? I also wasn't expecting nearly the amount of nudity I got from the movie. And I wasn't the one who brought up the fact that Amy Wong is cute. All this comes down to is how much you can ignore the blase decapitations and just enjoy Zoidberg, Farnsworth, Nibbler, and Bender doing their thing for 80 minutes, with cameos from just about everyone cool from the show. And Hanuka Zombie. Voiced by Mark Hamill.

All the King's Men is another version of one of the greatest American novels, by Robert Penn Warren. The 1949 movie version was excellent, with Broderick Crawford a mesmerizing Willie Stark. Sean Penn and James Gandolfini, among almost every other major actor in this film, can't even keep their accents the same throughout each scene. It's long, it's unnecessary, but I've seen it now. On a scratched Blu-ray disc. If you absolutely cannot read the book, see the earlier version. Avoid this one like the plague. I object to movies that aim for greatness and fail miserably far more than movies that aspire to be entertaining and only fitfully succeed.

Christmas in July is Preston Sturges's follow-up to The Great McGinty, and to be followed by a string of comedies over the next four years unsurpassed by a writer-director (The Lady Eve, Sullivan's Travels, The Palm Beach Story, The Miracle of Morgan's Creek, and Hail the Conquering Hero). Unfortunately for me, it was more like The Great McGinty, in that it has moments of brilliance, but ultimately falls a little flat. Partially due to Ellen Drew's poor performance, but also due to a slightly unbelievable plot (a guy enters a coffee slogan contest, and his coworkers convince him he's won, goes out to spend his winnings, marry his sweetheart, and everything has to end happily). Sturges's trademarks are there, with slapstick, ridiculous names, and William Demarest, but the brief movie (only 67 minutes long) never feels like it has time to set.

Naked, on the other hand, is 130 minutes of pain. Not at the quality of the movie, but it's the raw emotion from David Thewlis's performance that makes this uncomfortable film with two pretty anti-women male characters worth seeing. The fairly constant violence against women made me feel icky, and I had to have the subtitles on, due to a low volume sound mix and Scottish accents (Ewan "Spud" Bremner!). I may not have entirely enjoyed the film, but I can heartily recommend it for anyone who wants to see David Thewlis wandering around, abusing women (mostly psychologically), getting beaten up, having philosophical conversations with random people, and generally being an observer of other people's messed up lives.

The Up Series starts out strong, as Seven Up!'s kids say extremely funny (and occasionally classist and racist) things, although Seven Plus Seven is fairly weak, with a bunch of fourteen year olds not the best communicators out there. But the later ones become meditations on fame, relationships, and just how hard it can be to live in world of the late 20th century (and early 21st in 49 Up). I wish that the one kid who ended up working at the BBC had been willing to talk. And it was extremely frustrating to watch Neil spiral into homelessness and mental illness, although he was able to recover. But having no foreknowledge of how they will grow up, have their hopes realized and demolished over the period of 42 years made it heartrending. Seeing marriages dissolve made me feel overly voyeuristic. It's basically actual reality TV, with as little preening for the TV as you never see on reality TV in this country. I can't wait for 56 Up in another five years. I need to know that they're going to be ok. Watching them all over the last couple weeks has suggested that this wasn't a good idea, as there's a fair bit of repetition, with many older clips used to occasionally take the piss out of them, other times showing how they had done just what they expected.

They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, What Time Is It There?, The Wedding Banquet, & Slither

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? is a movie that gets referenced quite a bit, and is pretty famous, although it's extremely depressing. It's about a large group of people who enter a dance marathon in 1932, and the evil people who run it and manipulate those desperate people involved. Jane Fonda, Susannah York, Gig Young, Bruce Dern, and Al "Grandpa Munster" Lewis were all quite good, but the film itself was just an extreme downer.

What Time Is It There? is the first film in what is currently a trilogy by Tsai Ming-Liang, with The Skywalk Is Gone as the second film, about a watch salesman, his mom who's still in love with her dead husband, and the woman who buys his watch and then goes to Paris. But it has Jean-Pierre Léaud as himself and constantly references The 400 Blows, so I can't entirely say the movie is worthless. It's like his other films, and I think may even have a scene set in the same theater from Goodbye, Dragon Inn, with lots of very long shots, very little dialogue, and some slightly strange sexual aspects. This one has less focus on a water shortage than the later two films, but it has the star pissing into not only a water bottle but also a plastic bag. I don't know. I didn't know there was going to be pissing. Or the two main characters not sharing more than about five minutes on screen together.

The Wedding Banquet is Ang Lee's second film, another one about interracial relationships and family issues. And apparently it was a strange coincidence to go with the previous film as a Taiwan filmini festival. It works very well, considering the cliché of a gay couple has to hide their relationship from his traditional parents plot, but it's the acting of the parents and Wei-Wei, story, and nuances that make the film far more than that plot description would suggest. It's a little depressing for me, but that's again my interest in watching good films always tends to lead to watching movies that reminds me of sad things from my past. Sigh. The film itself made me laugh many times, and it was heartwarming, along with positive portrayals of both gays and interracial relationships, both of which I support immensely. Especially if you want the world to look like a better place.

Slither is far smarter than a low budget horror film deserves to be. It's really frickin' funny, and it has a pretty interesting cast, with Nathan "Captain Tightpants" Fillion, Michael Rooker, Gregg "Mitchum Huntsburger" Henry, Rob Zombie, and Jenna Fischer. And James Gunn directed it, who is Sean Gunn's brother (from Gilmore Girls along with my favorite first season episode of Angel, She), and um, responsible for writing and directing a bunch of Troma films, and writing both Scooby Doo films and the Dawn of the Dead remake. But the best thing about the film, besides the zombie/alien aspects of it, is the cursing, which is very well done (and I need to know where all the Ginese come from...). As is the special effects and gore. And you have karaoke The Crying Game, which means I will enjoy it, and you know that Air Supply is hilarious.

Grindhouse

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The Tales of Hoffmann, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, Mississippi Mermaid, & Bed and Board

The Tales of Hoffmann was outstanding. As it was an Archers production, it was absolutely gorgeous and the special effects were very good. I was really impressed with pretty much everything. Especially due to my missing of ballet due to being sick this weekend. So I got some ballet in anyway. And some opera. So I was all "Gimme some culture", and this movie was all "Here's some culture", and I was all "I'll watch", and it was all "Offenbach!" and I was all, "OOOH!" and "AHHH!". Really, really gorgeous in every way. Impressive. And, um, apparently, I can thanks this film for Dawn of the Dead and The Departed. Yeah, apparently, George Romero and Martin Scorsese fought over a 16mm print of the film and a projector. Really, wow. I knew that Scorsese was an immense fan of the Archers, but I never knew that Romero was such a fan. Makes me even more thankful for them, besides the brilliance of the films. I really didn't expect to see an interview with Romero on the disc. Criterion, thank you.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice was a short, done by Michael Powell, which was done by Disney fifteen years earlier. It works a little better without Mickey Mouse, though. I also want to thank Criterion again for putting this on the disc. Sonia Arova was pretty impressive, although I would have wanted to see the full 30 minute version, because 13 minutes just doesn't feel very long.

Mississippi Mermaid was a little disappointing, although there were two gratuitous Catherine Deneuve topless scenes. I mean, two completely necessary scenes. Yes. I guess I've never been in love quite enough to kill for it, but I liked the nod to Shoot the Piano Player near the end. It just felt a little light.

Bed and Board was... what the hell Truffaut? You really created Antoine Doinel to be my favorite character in movie history, right? I mean, seriously. Although I've never spent any time with prostitutes. Although I've always wanted to have a job moving remote-controlled boats around a model of a port. And that I'm pretty sure that I would have much more to talk about with a Japanese lady. Plus, why would I leave Claude Jade? I am pretty sure that Kyoko was made to be boring, and it was very successful. And what's up with the name Hiroko Berghauer? Strange.

The Stranger, Spanking the Monkey, Gozu, Versus, & The Gingerbread Man

The Stranger is interesting from a historical standpoint, but the studio limitations, the main one being Edward G. Robinson rather than Agnes Morehead in the G-man role, make the movie nothing that special, except for the finale in the clocktower, which is pretty effective. Otherwise, Welles doesn't put too much of his own stamp on it, except for making the Nazis really really unpleasant. My favorite bit of weirdness was that apparently Edward G. Robinson can hear a dog being kicked within a 15 mile radius even when asleep. Thems some good hearing. But the thing that actually woke him up was something I immediately noticed upon the hearing of it. Nobody says things like that except for Nazis. Edward G. Robinson clearly wasn't at all intelligent as the rest of the movie made him out to be.

Spanking the Monkey was a little Oedipal for my tastes. Also strange seeing a young Carla Gallo. Interesting though, but sort of strange, and I'm not just talking about using Morphine for the soundtrack. Jeremy Davies is excellent, as is his mother. I thought that the ending was very appropriate for it, as that was one seriously messed up family.

Gozu is typical Miike weirdness. Insane yakuza imagining yakuza attacking dogs and cars, more lactation, reincarnation, plus a full-grown man being born during sex... I didn't even mention the cow-head. Pretty weird freakin' film. Not nearly as good as his other films. Still insane, but the weirdness doesn't seem to have as much of a point as others.

Versus is bizarre Japanese zombie-samurai-yakuza-(a bit of) vampire craziness. Good fight scenes, and a somewhat interesting idea for a movie. I don't entirely think that the movie's ending actually makes sense. There were some very funny bits, some very good gore, and the acting is acceptably crazy for the movie. Probably just would have been better if the director had actually made an ending. Sequels are fun, but it would have been nice for this one to make a little sense.

The Gingerbread Man is overlong and a mess of a movie. Branagh's accent is good, but the movie's nowhere near good for an Altman film. I'm only somewhat suprised, as it was in the midst of his dry spell. Not sure whether anyone could have made a good movie of this though. At least Grisham's other works are... well, actually none are particularly good. This one just seems to make a little less sense than the others. And that Mercedes convertible can really handle everything. I'm impressed.

Land of the Dead & Visitor Q

Land of the Dead is vastly superior to Day of the Dead, but that isn't really saying that much. Romero shows that he can do the barely hidden metaphor in a zombie film better than anyone else. That it has Dennis Hopper being an evil, evil man is an added bonus. My main complaint was actually that it had too much flesh eating. Yeah, I wouldn't have thought that possible. I did see the unrated version, so that could explain it. Leguizamo was actually not annoying either, which I also didn't think was possible. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the zombies getting brains and figuring out tools and the like. I know that Bub in Day of the Dead clearly was learning, but I think that the zombies learned how to do a little much in a very short period of time in this movie. I have to say that it was enjoyable, and I definitely prefer the slow zombies of this to any fast zombie movie (with the notable exception of 28 Days Later, which is the only good fast zombie movie I can think of, and that wasn't really a true zombie film). And how much better this was than the Dawn remake just goes to show that Romero is needed for any good movie in this universe (note that I'm including remakes, recuts (that horrible extended Night of the Living Dead), and movies that are supposed to happen in the same universe (the horribly nihilistic and mainly craptacular Return of the Living Dead movies)). Wow, that was horrible sentence structure. Score one for the non-writer.

Visitor Q is a typical Miike film. If you don't come out feeling extremely dirty after seeing one, I don't think you truly saw the movie. Incest, prostitution, beatings, lots of lactation, drugs, rape, necrophilia, loose bowels, pissing, you name it, this movie has it. Except a giant robot monkey pirate ninja zombie. They still haven't made a movie with that yet. Note that if they did, I would immediately love that movie. I think the movie is saying something about the state of reality TV and Japanese society, along with the damaging effects of violence and sex on family life. Plus, are we really supposed to think that Visitor Q is a god of some sort? Wait, that's sort of a spoiler, except that that's never really discussed in the movie itself. It just makes some sense if you try to figure out what the hell the movie is about. Because I'm not entirely sure it succeeds in what Miike's trying to do. It does succeed in being one of the most sick, twisted, weird, funny movies you're likely to see. Unless you've seen other Miike films. This is by no means a well-made movie (straight to video, boom mikes frequently visible), but it is unlike almost anything I've seen before. And for that alone, I thank Takashi Miike.

Good Night, & Good Luck., Stage Fright, Homecoming, Macbeth, & Kung Fu Hustle

Good Night, & Good Luck. has a period in the title. David Strathairn was very good, and it's an interesting story, but it just feels so superficial of an approach to the material. Doesn't make it a bad movie at all, just means that it works only as a history and a sort of evocation for the era. Plus, of course, a love letter to a time when journalists did their job and were very important. Clooney clearly loves this movie, and Murrow, and does as good a job as can be expected from a movie that was made, at least somewhat, to piss off Faux News and Bill O'Reilly. Who do deserve it, definitely.

Stage Fright contains one of Hitchcock's least favorite things, the false flashback. I'd read about it so many times, and yet when it appeared, I never once remembered that. Hitchcock was clearly a master filmmaker, and he was able to make even a typical plot of his interesting. Definitely worth seeing, even if just for Marlene Dietrich's very good performance. And the flashback, but mainly Marlene.

Homecoming was Joe Dante's entry into the Masters of Horror anthology series on Showtime. And damn if it didn't just make me more pissed off than ever that we couldn't just have zombies come back from the dead to vote out Bush. Damnit. Funny, angrifying, and infuriating. Actually, I just wanted to use angrifying. Probably most enjoyable for those of us who think that some funny business has been going on with this administration, but it's actually a well done hour long zombie film. Yeah, low budget as hell, but very enjoyable anyway. But, of course, I couldn't help thinking that the dead were supposed to vote Republican.

Macbeth is almost entirely a reaction by Polanski to the Manson family murders. The violence, the insanity, and the entire tragedy just seems to fit. Could have been a better movie, mainly by, I don't know, having a stronger Lady Macbeth, and, say, not having large amounts of fat women naked in it. But at least there was a decapitation, which makes any movie better. Not nearly as good of an adaptation as Throne of Blood, even if it had the actual lines in it. Weird that Hefner produces this actual good, if extremely nihilistic, movie, while Bob Guccione just produced the crap that was Caligula. Apparently Playboy is a lot classier than Penthouse.

Kung Fu Hustle was fun, but ultimately, it's just like every other Stephen Chow film, flashes of brilliance, along with lots of humor that just falls flat. However, he again finds a very attractive leading lady to have be a mute or have a strange physical condition, or be a prostitute. Just let them be normal, because few of those things are funny. Well, being a prostitute can be funny, like the idea that Pretty Woman was a good movie, but Chow just pushes some things too far. The huge amounts of CGI would have been distracting had I not just approached the movie as a live-action cartoon. Which, unlike Joe Dante's Looney Tunes: Back in Action, actually works as a movie. And what was with the guy who always had his pants riding low? Needed? I think not. I have this bad feeling about the gay kung fu master, if I didn't also have a competing feeling that it was done somewhat tongue in cheek. Somewhat, as Hong Kong is years behind even the US in accepting homosexuality. Which is sad. Not that there aren't great films with homosexuality (one only need to see Happy Together to realize that), but most mainstream films use gays as a punchline rather than as real people. And I, of course, loved the many film references.

The Happiness of the Katakuris & King of Comedy

I don't think I can imagine a crazier film than The Happiness of the Katakuris. Zombies, musical, badly choreographed dancing, a sumo wrestler killing the small girl he's having sex with by having a heart attack and smothering her, a con-man who says he's Queen Elizabeth's nephew and both a US Navy pilot and in the Royal Navy, crazy clamation to avoid some gore, the music video and extreme zooms when they see the first body, the great-grandfather who hits flying birds with logs... well, I think I could go on for a bit longer. Miike is a crazy person. I'd complain about the singing, except I can't tell whether it's bad singing or if it's a Japanese thing. I don't know how anyone could make a more insane film. I've seen worse films, I've seen films that make less sense, I've seen films that are just collections of vignettes with no relation to anything, but this one just doesn't even bother.

King of Comedy is a pretty darn good comedy from Stephen Chow. Better than his other pre-Shaolin Soccer movies. It's also touching. Plus, it has a great Killer spoof, and the Jackie Chan cameo is funny, and the Quentin homage character was a nice, understated touch. Plus, Cecilia Cheung is hot as hell. I thought it was a great movie until the ending scene which just was strange. Pringles? I like them a lot, but that just didn't really follow from anything else. And what the hell was with the naked small boy in so many scenes? I have to wonder what that kid is going to think about his role when he gets older. But how can you hate a movie that has a scene like the one between Cecilia and Stephen by the tree in the courtyard?