Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, Street Mobster, Fast Food Nation, Tideland, The Bridesmaid, Ratatouille, & Rock Monster

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny probably would have worked better had I been high. At least they came out immediately and started with a THC rather than a THX intro. I like the idea of them so much more than the execution. Amy Poehler was very funny though.

Street Mobster was directed by Kinji Fukasaku, who also did a bunch of yakuza films and Battle Royale. And it stars Bunta Sagawara, who also was the star in the Yakuza Papers films, along with The Great Yokai War. The plot is trashy, and it fits very well with the general theme of most of the best yakuza films: they don't fit in anywhere, are a relic of an older time, and they all seem to have no problem beating and raping women (always strange to see the crazy things they'd do to make sure the nudity wasn't too much for the censors, which was compounded by the many scenes in baths and lots of raping). The films are pretty darn stylish, though.

Fast Food Nation is clearly a good idea, but the story that's wrapped around it is both frustrating and a little too easy. I do want to read the book though.

Tideland starts with an introduction by Terry Gilliam saying the film is very divisive. Some would love it and some would hate it. I come down solidly on the hating it side. It's long, disturbing, and just confusingly bad.

The Bridesmaid stars Laura Smet, who looks like a younger version of Annette Benning. And is very attractive. Somehow I haven't seen any Claude Chabrol films, although there are many of them, and he's working in the mystery genre, one I generally enjoy. As for this, it's about a guy who falls for the bridesmaid at a wedding, and she decides that they need to prove their love for each other, by doing four things: plant a tree, write a poem, sleep with someone of the same sex, and kill a stranger. I think you can tell why it turns into a mystery: what kind of trees are they planting? I liked it a lot.

Ratatouille looked outstanding, was funny, and Brad Bird needs to keep working. He's the best non-Miyazaki animation director out there, and this one didn't change my belief at all. And I want Colette. Hot, French, chef, purple hair, yes please. Pixar's animation quality keeps getting better and better, and the films have gotten better filmically as well. I haven't seen Cars, and I don't plan on doing so anytime soon. But from Toy Story through Monsters Inc. to The Incredibles and Ratatouille, they've just been getting closer and closer to being worthwhile to recommend to those who refuse to watch any animated films. I don't know why you would ignore a film just because it's animated. There are very few things that will make me ignore a film. Tyler Perry is one, as is Dane Cook.

Rock Monster is terrible. io9 said that it was better than most Sci-Fi original films. Tweaks and I both read the same post, and so we watched it Sunday. If that was pretty decent, I no longer regret missing any of the other films. Actually, the best thing this film did (although it didn't do it soon enough) was follow the well-known movie trope to kill the black guy (who was majoring in string theory just so they could do a g-string theory joke... sigh...). He was the worst actor in the entire film. Even worse than the extra in the bar scene who was clearly waiting to react to the sword. I wish they had been able to get a guy I didn't want to die for that part. But this one had Jon Polito as a drunk former Soviet (I think, I never really figured out where it was actually set) officer, the female friend was annoying at first but quickly came around, about when the guns were starting to be handed out, David Figlioli is one of those guys from so many TV shows, Chad Collins wasn't terrible, and Natalie Denise Sperl was hot. All in all, a terrifically terrible film. I was either laughing at or... well, I pretty much didn't laugh at any of the jokes. And I kept getting Rock Lobster stuck in my head. Damn you, Sci Fi. Only two weeks until Battlestar Galactica Season 4 though.

Poetry is the music of the soul, and, above all, of great and feeling souls.

So on multiple occasions in the last month, I've been asked to write more poetry. To a certain extent, I wish I had more inspiration for poetry, but I generally need something. However, Friday, on the way home from work, I had some inspiration. Unfortunately for both me and you, it started thus:

I wish my dick was in some children,
Older kids are soon forgotten,
Look away! Look away! Look away! Pedophile.

Yep, that's what got stuck in my head. Damn rapist van, getting me thinking about how sick pedophiles are (speaking of which, it's kids, scat, animals, and blood, all very eww). So, rather than subject both you and me to more of that poem that was going absolutely nowhere (except probably pissing off a bunch of crazy southerners and those who have some semblance of taste), I give you: Caseus Velox's magnetic fridge poetry!

The first one is the second one I ever wrote (the first one was never written down), entitled "On a Fridge". I wrote it hanging out in my friend from Nebraska's dorm room, while everyone else was discussing sex with freshmen (male) and kissing very inexperienced men. I wasn't able to contribute as I'd both never kissed a man, nor had sex with a freshman (male).

if she will stay here
almost as loud as a whisper
blow every mind
crave spiritual research in light
surely I was late into position
respectful of our intense experience
entering into some major emotional valley
need close talk while pretending
one better always release
get the vacation from anonymous control
take a deep thick lick of sleep
have a fantasy in our brain
or fail through no breath

As you can tell, or at least you should, I was influenced by the conversation. I actually really liked it, and it's certainly got some interesting imagery.

Next is the poem that's currently on my fridge, from the fifth year reunion magnetic poetry collection I was sent. I chose to throw away the ones that were just the name of the school, but I didn't use "quad", "gala", "chapel", or "tours". This one's called, "Wooden Spoons Are Fine For Some":

I will again laugh in springtime
remember chance party experience
have gardens fireworks on us love
that the happy fun memories celebrate
lifetime learning engage good times
for next spring when friends meet
hug and reconnect with champagne

Lifetime learning was one magnet. This is quite terrible, but those were some terrible magnetic poetry pieces.

Letters from Iwo Jima, Mephisto, Stranger than Fiction, The Prestige, Stardust, Hard Candy, & The Matrix: Reloaded

Letters from Iwo Jima made me think about how much I have changed from being a young boy who read everything he could about war, spend many hours playing with guns, and watching everything he could about war. I can't imagine anyone watching this film and thinking that war was remotely something that's acceptable. I can't watch films like this and feel good for a while. It was considerably better than Flags of Our Fathers.

Mephisto is about an actor who was a communist in early 30s Germany, and then is willing to do anything to keep acting. Klaus Maria Brandauer is the main, and almost only, unless you want to see Karin Boyd naked (not a bad thing, by any means), reason to see the film. He's mesmerizing. It's too long, but he is worth watching. One of the great performances make a movie worth watching singlehandedly.

Stranger than Fiction was extremely disappointing. A magic watch? Will Ferrell is no... Adam Sandler. Punch-Drunk Love had a lot more talent behind it, but man, Will is not very good. Although Maggie Gyllenhaal is certainly good, and Tony Hale doesn't get enough work. The almost constant math references just got annoying, and Crick just makes me think of Waterland, which was unfortunate. I liked that movie.

The Prestige has David Bowie as Nikola Tesla. Unfortunately, that's the high point. That's not to say it wasn't fitfully enjoyable, but it felt like it was twisty just to be twisty. And I don't like that very much.

Stardust was very long, but ultimately, enjoyable. Even with De Niro as a gay sky pirate. Michelle Pfeiffer was deliciously evil, Claire Danes was not bad (as much as I loved My So-Called Life, she's not a particularly strong actress), and the risque humor was fairly enjoyable. I really need to read more Neil Gaiman.

Hard Candy made me feel dirty. And that was just the Sandra Oh scene. Man, I hate her so much. Arli$$ cannot be condemned enough. Ellen Page is disturbing, and Patrick Wilson is suitably creepy. I think it's just one of those films I will never feel the need to see ever again.

When I told someone I was watching The Matrix: Reloaded, I was told, "I hope you have scathing things to say when you are done." Well, I'm done, and this is what I have to say: As ridiculously stupid as the plot and philosophy of The Matrix was (and dear frikkin' lord, it was stupid), this takes all the stupidness of it and multiplies it by the number of Agent Smith's in the Burly brawl. If it weren't for the car chase, there would be utterly nothing to recommend the film to anyone other than people who thought that the "brain in a jar" philosophical experiment was the most brilliant theory of the universe ever come up with. And Keanu Reeves... well, what can you say about him, he's the worst actor ever to star in so many films. He is just painful. And that "rave" scene? Who the hell thought that was a good idea? I really have to see Revolutions just because I can't imagine that film could be any worse than this one. I need to see it with my own eyes.

For Your Consideration, The Great Yokai War, Mon Oncle, The River, Fuck, and Miss Austen Regrets

For Your Consideration was a supreme disappointment. After the complete awesomeness of Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, and A Mighty Wind, not to mention Spinal Tap, For Your Consideration could never live up to that standard. The problem was that it wasn't funny at all. And the satire was hardly biting enough to call it a satire. But it really just comes down to it not being funny. What is funny is my entire review of A Mighty Wind from back in 2003: "I saw A Mighty Wind this evening. Very funny. Best part: Lars. Swedes speaking Yiddish is always funny." That is just as true now as it was then.

The Great Yokai War is Takashi Miike, he of the utterly disgusting everything, making a kids film. It still has it's share of disturbing things, but it's also a basic story of a kid in a bad family situation finding a purpose in a mysterious spirit world. So it's actually a kids film. Clearly Miike's films have allowed him to have a larger budget, even if the CGI was occasionally bad, although this film does quite well with the cartoon-ish feel. Plus, the Sunekosuri (or hamster thing) was ridiculously cute and I want one. I wouldn't be me if I didn't mention how hot pointy-eared Mai Takahashi as Kawahime was, let alone how evil Chiaki Kuriyama (Gogo Yubari and the evil girl in Battle Royal) was. I knew it was going to be a kids film, and I really wanted to see it, due to it's larger budget. I wasn't disappointed.

Mon Oncle was apparently the second film in the M. Hulot series. I did not know that. It was quite funny, and almost a silent film. Some of the set pieces worked considerably better than others, like the wetting of the shopkeeper's clothes works far better than the sister and brother-in-law being stuck in the garage, which relies upon the maid in the 50s being afraid of electricity and yet working in a fully mechanized house. Although it's a slight satire and funny, I have no idea why it won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language film, when there were better films released that year. Although it appears that many did not release in the US that year, like Elevator to the Gallows, Ivan the Terrible: Part II, and The Hidden Fortress. 1958 just apparently sucked for releasing foreign films in the US.

The River was Ming-Liang Tsai's second film to hit it big on the film festival circuit (weirdly, I saw the first one, Vive L'Amour, the sequel to his first film, the day before I started this blog). It's a little disturbing, about a man who acts in a movie scene by floating in a polluted river and then suffers mysterious neck pain. I find it interesting that in this film it's almost always raining when his later films, The Skywalk Is Gone and The Wayward Cloud (which I haven't seen), are set during water shortages. He seems pretty obsessed with water, even if it comes out of his actors.

Fuck is worth watching for Billy Connolly's stories alone. And his voice. He's one of the funniest people alive, and he's a highlight of the film. The rest is an amalgamation of silliness, ridiculous interviews with conservatives (and a non-ridiculous Sam Donaldson) studiously avoiding saying the word fuck, and Ron Jeremy, Tera Patrick, and Evan Seinfeld (listed as singer of Biohazard and husband of Tera Patrick, but not as a porn star himself). Pretty enjoyable, and the FPM (fucks per minute) was higher than I was expecting, although the Fuck Counter was counting the fucks on screen along with all the ones said. Which was disappointing. You may have noticed that I've used fuck more times in this post than in all my other posts combined. In fact, I only used fuck once in a post that wasn't just quoting a title or a line from a movie: this complaint about the Raise the Red Lantern DVD. Apparently, I decided not to censor myself over that, but I generally do otherwise. Because poor quality DVDs are a blight on society.

Miss Austen Regrets is probably better than Becoming Jane, but I still get this feeling that it's still a tarted up version of her life. I could always just ask my Janeite friend, but I prefer to just assume. I liked Olivia Williams, but Imogen Poots (heh) and her face bothered me immensely. I didn't realize there was a big gap in the Complete Jane Austen, as it's still a couple weeks before the next new one. So rewatching the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice is my next goal.

Also, 400th post. Yayz.

Flowers of Shanghai, Vengeance Is Mine, & Late Autumn

Flowers of Shanghai is based on an Eileen Chang story, who also wrote the story that Lust, Caution is based on, about brothels in China in the early 20th century. It stars (the good) Tony Leung and Carina Lau, along with Michelle Reis (from both City of Lost Souls and the extremely excellent Fallen Angels, and who proves, again, just how hot miscegenation can be) and weirdly, besides Reis (from Macao), you have a mainlander, a Taiwanese, and a Japanese woman playing the main prostitutes in the film. It's directed by Hsiao-hsien Hou, who also did Café Lumière, Millenium Mambo, and Three Times, turns in another very good film, full of long takes, gorgeously red cinematography, and stunningly beautiful shots.

Vengeance Is Mine is a Shohei Imamura film, director of many films I like a lot, about a thief who just starts to kill for no real reason and then goes on the lamn in 1963-1964 Japan. And it covers his completely messed up family life. Really, really messed up. Ick. But it was a twisted film, with some surprising violence, fine acting, jumping around in time, and a sense of hopelessness that clearly reflects the Japan of the late 70s.

Late Autumn is another Ozu film, again starring Setsuko Hara, and is a remake of Late Spring, with Setsuko playing the mother rather than the daughter in this one. It's basically the same as the other Ozu, quite good, but not different enough for me to really place above or below the others. Even if this one is in color.

Company, The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant, & Justice League: The New Frontier

Company was a filmed performance of the revival of the Steven Sondheim musical starring Raul Esparza, who's been in a couple Pushing Daisies episodes (and makes me want them to burst into song even more on that show). It's about a 35 year old single guy in New York and 10 of his friends, all couples, and how he tries to come to terms with his life. It's full of the typical lyrically and musically complex Sondheim songs, although this is far less about plot than most of the others. It's very much a series of scenes that illuminate character rather than plot. It's an interesting way to go about it, even if it isn't as good as Into the Woods or Sunday in the Park with George (two Sondheim musical posts and two gratuitous swipes at Andrew Lloyd Sewer... three posts and three gratuitous swipes), but maybe I'll need to watch it in a few years when I'm a lonely 35 year old.

The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant is a gay man's view of fashion. And since it's in mid-70s Germany, it's hideous. And boring. And I hated it. Don't know why I keep thinking that Fassbinder will be not annoying. I just don't like long gay films. Sorry all for even writing this. I should have known better.

Justice League: The New Frontier made me scoff too much. But since I'm reading The Right Stuff, the talk of test pilots and the pyramid and driving crazily in the middle of the desert just made me think of that. The cast was impressive, even if some were not particularly good (I hated Sisto as Batman, and I don't like this Batman very much, although the slight suggestion that he's having sex with Robin made me happy), but the main thing was just how much I had picked up from reading comics in the last year. I still haven't read any of the big superhero comics, but I've read things like The Watchmen and The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, so I had some familiarity with the basic history of comics. But the bonus features on the disc more than made up for the short running time of the movie, a history of the Justice League over the various ages of comics. The movie itself had some good ideas, but was pretty hokey. What you'd expect in a big budget direct to video animated superhero movie.

Zoo, So Goes the Nation, & Jesus Camp

Zoo is a semi-documentary, in that it's based on interviews with participants, but is almost entirely reenactments of what happened. And what happened was horse sex. Horses having sex with men. And one disturbing reference to a pony blowing a larger horse. What the hell bestiality proponents? That's just completely messed up. I let a lot of crazy stuff go when it comes to sex, but there are just some things that I will never, ever be ok with: animals, children, and scat. Doesn't mean I'm into all the rest, but man, those three just are so damn icky. This didn't feel at all like a documentary, as the reenactments and ridiculous lighting just felt like affectations.

So Goes the Nation is the surest way to get me extremely pissed off. Damnit, USA, why did you have to screw up so much? And why didn't Kerry fight back at all instead of being a worthless candidate? We could have had a President Edwards. I would have loved that. The movie itself wasn't particularly enlightening, even as it was strange to see places I've been and some people I knew from volunteering for the Kerry campaign back then. Maybe in a few years I wouldn't be so pissed about it all, but that's not really likely. As disappointing as the 2000 election was, that the country decided to go even further down the path of mindless fear in 2004 is the biggest disappointment in my political experience. That it happened in Ohio, and that I was volunteering there before moving to the District just made me realize I could and would have been one of those crying in Ohio rather than where I was, crying in NYC.

Jesus Camp is scary. Why must we torture our children by forcing them to believe anything? I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher and he had that drunken lout Christopher Hitchens (who I saw once) on and were discussing just how often people changed religions from what they were raised. Watching these kids raised to be crazy Christians made me wish that they would grow into a healthy skepticism before they turn 18 and can vote. Because otherwise, some states are screwed.