An American Carol, W., Swing Vote, & Bangkok Dangerous

Liveblogging An American Carol, which is just as bad as everyone out there says it is, and can't be defended no matter how hard anyone tries:
Starts with the strains of Sweet Home Alabama, clearly trying to evoke a sense of national pride by playing a song about a state that most of America doesn't really care about. And then Leslie Nielson shows up, as a granpa who apparently can't grill (is that supposed to be funny?), but not before he hits the first black person on screen in the face with a frisbee. Because that's the kind of movie this is going to be. He starts telling a story about a Scrooge who hates the 4th of July, and it starts on a hilltop in Afghanistan where Robert Davi tries to get a guy to help, but it's confusing because everyone is named Mohammed Hussein. Which is funny. And then he sends a kid to be killed, but blows up his own car. Which is funny. And then there're funny jokes about gay marriage and illegal immigration. There's a funny Goofus-Gallant Taliban recruitment video. Then it's mock Michael Moore time. Which is as tone deaf as everything else so far. It's just like, "It's been a while since we insulted gays, so here's two mannish lesbians who refuse to shave until the end of war." See, that's funny. And Michael Moore eats everything. Oh, I'm sorry, Michael Malone. And all of these lefties don't know who people like Nixon are. Funny! Porn jokes! Jokes about stupid documentaries! Jokes about Michael Malone stinking! Mocking Moveon.org! Mocking Nazi documentarian Leni Riefenstahl! I wonder if they intentionally picked Paris Hilton and Simon Rex for their previous work in porn to be announcers at this awards show? And attacking Edward R. Murrow is really classy. And joking about Islamic fundamentalists killing people is classy as well! Fake beard! Opium crop jokes! Seinfeld jokes! JFK is Marley's Ghost! And ignoring the part about fighting for liberty, not for America. Or something like that. And now it's back to "liberals are idiots and just like chanting slogans" jokes! Also funny are shots of Malone getting his faced stepped on. George C. Scott has got to be rolling in his grave at Kelsey Grammer as Patton. This slave-owning in the south thing is remarkably offensive to everyone. The Columbia Peace Studies scene continues the theme of an extremely simplistic view of everything. In fact, I honestly can't keep writing about everything in this. "Death to the uncircumcised"? ACLU Zombies? Attacking documentaries for not making money just never gets boring, does it? Jon Voight as George Washington! Hey, 9/11! More slapping of Michael Malone! And more fat jokes! Oh, my god... Seriously? Military college recruits are the good guys? Trace Adkins is definitely the Angel of Death. Country Music is not redemptive at all, idiots. A gay sailor joke? Followed by a gay marines joke? How exactly did a bunch of sick kids being dragged into the ocean become funny? About the only funny thing was how often kids resorted to the jerk off motion. Which is about the most American thing in the entire film.

W. is Oliver Stone's cliffnotes version of a drunk teens half-rememberance of what they once learned by reading a blog about George W. Bush's life. If you think I'm being too harsh, just think of anything that's been said about W.'s life or said by him and reported in the press that could potentially be either embarrassing for funny, and it's in the movie. I'm a little surprised they didn't keep the middle finger during the preparation for the TV interview. Otherwise, all the Bushisms you could shoehorn into an overlong and boring film are there. The cast is certainly an impressive collection of talent, it's just a shame that they were given absolutely nothing that's worth watching. Maybe Jeffrey Wright as the only reasonable person in Colin Powell, but really, it's just a waste of time for everyone involved and I highly recommend not watching this movie.

Swing Vote actually fits with the two previous films in an extremely cynical view of America and its politics. In this case, unlike An American Carol which is cynical in everything it does and W's cynicalness in its delving makeup deep into Bush's life, the cynicalness is that an unemployed drunk can decide an election and that both political parties will sell out their core beliefs to get that vote. Ignoring the basic fact that there's no way this wouldn't go to a recount and one vote not actually mattering across the state of New Mexico, along with how blatantly illegal the one on one campaigning and horse trading was, it was just kinda boring. About the only thing I was wondering was if they were going to chicken out or not at the end. They came really, really close, but the end made me like it a little more. Not this person on the IMDB message boards. Other things I kinda liked: Art Crumb clearly based on Bob Shrum and yet somehow not being incompetant enough, although Nathan Lane does get the desperate to be considered intelligent and successful right. There are some interesting bits, but overall, it's just a pox on both houses film.

Bangkok Dangerous is... wait, you were wondering what a movie about Nic Cage being a hitman in Bangkok has to do with three films about American politics? Well, this one was written by Jason Richman who also wrote Swing Vote. And somehow, this may be the best of the four films. It's certainly the one that I feel like I could recommend to someone with an appreciation for... I'm kidding. This is also terrible, has little to do with the original Bangkok Dangerous (aside from being set in Bangkok, having a hitman character, a deaf character, and a love story), and Nic Cage isn't even deliciously crazy in it. Come on. I wanted some Wicker Man crazy, or at least some hyperactive National Treasure wildness. Instead I got boring Nic Cage acting worldweary and doing lots of stupid non-hitman-y things. Yeah, still directed by the Pang Brothers, and Charlie Yeung is attractive, but a couple of stylish scenes can't make up for the rest of this tedious mess.